The Importance of Intimate Conversation

As a new relationship develops, a couple spends hours talking and asking questions to reveal the hidden person of the heart. After long conversations, they think they know one another. But women have a deeper need for meaningful conversations, even after the wedding vows are said.

Women need meaningful conversation so much that they may seek others to fill the need if a husband is not meeting it. “By removing intimate conversation from their daily lives, he removes one of the most important sources of love units into her Love Bank. He risks losing her love for him.”[1] Just like a man’s needs for an attractive wife and a recreational companion, so the woman needs affection and intimate conversation. We need to have our own needs met in order to meet others’ needs. Paul reminds us in Philippians 2:3-4 that we are to do “nothing…through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself. Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others.”

Conversation is integral to our emotional needs. We use our words to express admiration, honesty, and openness. Words can build up or tear down. Do you make time to spend with your spouse daily or weekly? What do you do to show him/her you want to fulfill his/her needs? You can continue to have dates each week in order to keep your marriage strong. It takes effort, but the rewards are great! Not only can you stay married to the same person for life, but you can help your spouse get to heaven by being attentive to his/her needs. That is the ultimate goal of marriage anyway: heaven.

Ladies, be aware of opening your heart to another man, especially if it is complaining about your husband! If you start sharing deep, emotional things with another man, you open yourself up for him to be that conversationalist you are yearning for in your husband. Every couple has problems in their relationship—we are human! You may feel resentful if your husband is not fulfilling your need for conversation, but you need to express this to him so you can work on your marriage together. Be attentive to his needs and remind him of your needs. You may have specific requests for each other that are not mentioned here.

Two people will have different views about life’s concerns, but if the couple goes to God’s Word for guidance, they will become stronger for it. Even Jesus is the Word sent from Heaven. God uses words to share His love with us. Do we talk with Him in prayer? Praying with your spouse to the heavenly Father will strengthen you like nothing else can! We made a great commitment to our spouse when we married him/her that we would be his/her life partner in the fullest sense of the word. We have a responsibility to encourage, support, and fulfill his/her needs. What have you done today to make him/her feel good?

Practically speaking, a good conversation will deepen the relationship, will not be full of anger but will express care and concern, will be balanced with both listening and talking, and will give attention to the other so openness will be easy. Do not dwell on past mistakes, but seek ways to alleviate any stressors in your relationship. Seek to understand one another. “Husbands, likewise, dwell with them with understanding, giving honor to the wife, as to the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers may not be hindered” (1 Peter 3:7).

[1] Willard Harley, Jr. (2011), His Needs, Her Needs (Grand Rapids, MI: Revell), p. 69.